


Focal Point

by Cirrius_Akiyo



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Afterlife, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Mention, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Dad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz Is A Good Father, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Feels, Gun Violence, Heaven, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Evan "Buck" Buckley, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Married Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Not Beta Read, Not Really Character Death, References to Supernatural (TV), Soft Eddie Diaz, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Worried Eddie Diaz, bury me under all my grammatical mistakes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25525924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirrius_Akiyo/pseuds/Cirrius_Akiyo
Summary: For Buck, being Chris' friend is easy, but being his parent is terrifying.Or,Words said, leaving some scars deeper than a bullet would.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 93
Kudos: 383





	1. A Slice of Belonging

**Author's Note:**

> I have this idea fermented for some time now, but Soft Eddie Diaz somehow becomes my priority. But I know I'm due for some feelings and hurt now, so please enjoy it!

Eddie always teases Buck that he is Christopher's favorite between the two of them, mainly because Chris sees Buck as his friend first, before as a parent, making penetrating the mind of the now ten-year-old much easier.

Silently, Buck is grateful for that. Being Chris' friend is easy, but being his parent is terrifying.

Despite the fact that he had officially adopted Chris right after their wedding ceremony, Buck still feels like he was a little out of place in their parent-child dynamic.

Even though Buck loves Chris with all that he has, and try to raise the boy as best as he could, Buck couldn't help but feel like he was intruding into what Eddie and Shannon once had. A tingling feeling like Buck doesn't deserve his place as Chris's other father always linger at the back of his head.

Normally at any other day, these thoughts will only float through Buck's mind once in a while, especially if he was having a bad day or after difficult calls.

The thoughts usually gone by the time he returned home and having Chris giving him the tightest hug ever. Or small assurance by his husband here and there that he is not screwing Christopher's life after all.

But for these past few days, Buck can't seem to get through Chris's mind at all. Buck has been rewarded with very short replies to everything, even though Chris always loves to elaborate his stories or vibrating with excitement in his response.

But now it is either "yes", "no" or just occasional hum or indifferent shrug.

"Evan, I know you see Chris as this awesome kid, don't get me wrong, he IS a great kid, but he is not immune from making mistakes or throwing tantrums. I may be late myself, but I was there during his "throwing the milk bottle" stage to "refuse to look at me because I don't indulge him with a new game" stage. What I am saying is, he is still a kid with developing emotions and still learning how to embrace them. We are here to guide him through them. So don't beat yourself up, sweetheart, cause I know you are doing great all by yourself." Eddie had told him last night when they were in bed, getting ready for the night.

Buck's insecurities must have broken through the surface and shown all over his face for Eddie to conduct a little pep talk last night.

"Let's give him some space and time to figure out his emotions for now. Trust me, he'll come to us sooner than later." Eddie had assured him before pulling Buck to rest his head on Eddie's chest, the constant rhythm of his husband's heartbeat slowly lulled him to sleep.

And Buck holds on to that.

But when the morning comes, the tension never ceases.

Even the offers of chocolate chip pancakes fail to draw out any cheery response from Christopher, breaking Buck's heart even more.

"Just so you know, I'm getting the cold shoulder too," Eddie says when they drop off Chris at the school that morning, trying to make Buck feels a bit better when he saw Buck silently trying to rake his head to search as to where he did wrong. "He's having a bad week, we'll talk to him tonight, I promise." Eddie grabs Buck's hand before shifting the gear and drives to the station.

Buck nods silently, solemn look still imprint on his face.

The drive is quiet. Eddie lets Buck drift in his headspace, basking in the morning sunlight shining through the passenger's window. Occasionally, he would intertwine their fingers together, providing silent support.

Buck loves Eddie for that, among other things.

  
///

  
Eddie hangs up the phone with a small frown. "That was Carla. She got some emergency, so she couldn't pick up Chris at the school this afternoon." He explains to Buck who is trying to unbuckle his suspenders. They've just returned from a small kitchen fire when Eddie's phone rung.

"I'll ask for a time out from Bobby to pick Chris up and drop him with Abuela." Eddie slides his phone back into the pocket of his working pants before helping Buck with his suspenders.

Buck thinks for a moment before interjecting. "No, let me pick him up. You just call Abuela to inform her beforehand."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah. I promise I won't push him too far. Just normal daily conversation." Buck promises after seeing the worried expression on Eddie's face.

"No, Evan. Will _you_ be okay?" Eddie tentatively grabs both of Buck's hand into his, stroking his thumb soothingly at the back of the palms.

"Yeah, I will be," Buck says with conviction.

  
///

  
Buck is not okay.

"But I want my Mommy! You are not my Mommy!" Christopher wailed as he stormed off as fast as he could into Abuela's house, leaving Buck standing in front of the porch, as still as a mannequin. His heart is beating wildly in his ribcage, but weirdly enough, it keeps stuttering shut, breaking with every minute. He knows for a fact that he is not blood-related to Chris, but he still loves him all the same. But having Chris himself saying.. no, screaming that out loud, he never thought he would be wounded as he is now.

Abuela just gave him a sympathetic look. "You know Chris doesn't mean that, right, darling? The boy adores you."

Buck found himself lost of words and just let out a very long deep sigh. "He is just having a bad week. I thought I would like to cheer for him. I think I might be overstepping with regard to Mother's Day." 

"Oh, Evan." Abuela slowly caressing his cheek. "I'm sure he'll be fine. He'll be running to you as soon as he realized it."

Buck shifts in his place. "Can I.. can I go inside and say goodbye? I know he might yell at me again, but I just wanna see him before I go back to work. I just want to see how is he doing."

"Evan, you are always welcome." True to her words, Abuela steps aside and let Buck in.

He found Chris idling with some Lego pieces at the coffee table in the living room, not really building anything. Buck kneels beside Chris although Chris is doing a very good job of avoiding any eye contact with Buck.

Buck is trying to gather his breath and to not let the hurt lurking in his voice. "I know I'm not your Mother, neither I am your Dad. But I love you the most. And I am so sorry if I made you feel I'm replacing your Mom. I do love you, and that's a fact." He ruffles Chris' hair softly even though he got no reaction. Well, that will do. His heart is still going crazy, flipping around, but he tries to hold on to Abuela's words. 

  
///

  
After returning to the firehouse, Buck took 10 minutes to collect himself before seeing Eddie. Or before Eddie finds him, whichever is first.

When he steps into the firehouse, the voices from the loft and the smell of fresh food told him everyone is upstairs. He chose to go straight to the locker room first and slumped onto the bench. Should he be hurting this much? All of his insecurities are creeping slowly to his mind and he let out another sigh for the billionths times.

"Hey, you're back!" Buck didn't hear Eddie came into the locker room and he actually jumped in his seat. "Everything's okay?" Eddie asked after seeing the look on Buck's face. "Is Chris okay?" Eddie starts to worry when he saw that Buck is at the edge of tearing up.

"He's fine. He's at Abuela's." Buck murmurs.

Eddie took a seat beside Buck and slowly lancing their hands together. "Okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

Buck just lean in into his husband. He still can't believe he's been this lucky enough to call Eddie as his husband and to have Chris officially adopted. He knows that things are too great to be true and he often dreading himself for when another shoe will drop. But he never thought the shoe to be this. He doesn't know what to anticipate actually. He doesn't know what to believe anymore.

Eddie's worries are amplified after Buck stubbornly remains silent. He slowly combs his finger in the short blonde curls, trying to comfort whatever grieves his husband is facing, while trying very hard to put any twos together as to the reason of Buck's added misery. "Do you mind telling me? We can and we will work it out together."

Buck hates to keep things from Eddie. But now he is not sure whether he is overreacting or not. "Ms. Clarence said Chris was having another bad day. Apparently, last week she had announced that they will be decorating a picture frame with flowers for Mother's Day, which is tomorrow. And one of the kids pointed out that Chris doesn't have a mom. Which obviously throws Chris's mood off."

Ah. So that what makes Christopher moody this entire week. 

Eddie chooses not to say anything but humming in acknowledgment as a sign for Buck to go on. His finger never stops tracing comforting patterns on Buck's broad back which at this moment, seems so small.

"And.. and.." Buck stutters. Eddie just holds him a little bit tighter. "In the car ride, I tried to cheer him up, trying to coax him to talk about it. And I say that I don't mind keeping the flower frame. But I made him cry, Eddie." Fresh tears spill over the edge of Buck's ocean blue eyes. "He said he wants his mother and I am not his mother." Now Buck is crying freely, hiccuping every now and then to try catching his breath.

"Oh, sweetheart." Eddie had been the receiving end of Chris' tantrum, but Buck hasn't and he can see how hurt Buck is. He is sure Chris is having another ten years old phase, just like the skateboarding accident. "I'll call him later and tonight we will have a heart to heart session. We'll figure this out. I promise you, Chris still loves you. Never doubt that." Eddie tries to comfort his inconsolable husband who is still sobbing silently between his neck crook. He knows how Buck loves Chris and will move the mountains for his son and he knows, deep down Chris doesn't mean what he said. But the words have been spoken and now they are both hurting.

After a while, Buck eventually cried himself to sleep and Eddie doesn't have the heart to wake his husband up even though they are still on shift and need to get some chores done. Eddie awkwardly tries to maneuver the 6 foot 2 man into a more comfortable arrangement. At last, Eddie settled to have his and Buck's back to the corner so they can actually have something to rest their back on.

Hen walks up to them eventually. "Everything's okay?" She asked quietly after putting a plate of mini sandwiches and a bottle of orange juice in front of Eddie. After Eddie didn't come back up to the loft after fetching Buck from the locker room, they know something is not right. Buck never has anything to stop him from Bobby's cooking, save from alarm bells.

Eddie lets out a small sigh. It will be okay, but some works need to be done first. 

  
///

  
Abuela picks up the video call after the third ring. Eddie can see his son's curls poking at the corner of the screen.

"Hello, Eddito." Abuela greets.

"Hello, Abuela. Can you please put Chris on the camera?" Eddie asks straight away politely. Abuela, already figures out what the call meant to be, hands over the phone to Chris, and moves out from the frame.

"Hi, Chris." Eddie greets cheerily, trying to ease the tension and nervousness his son is showing.

"Hi, Daddy." Chris greets back shyly, not making any eye contact with Eddie.

"How is your day, Chris?" Eddie coaxes.

"Fine," Chris replies curtly.

"Christopher..." Eddie prompts patiently for Chris to open up by himself.

Chris sighs, lips jutting downwards. "I yelled at Buck," Chris confesses, guilts clear in his frown.

"Christopher, we are not supposed to yell at anybody, right? No matter how upset we are, we talk things out, correct?" Eddie asks calmly but sternly, trying to level his voice.

"Yes, daddy. I am sorry." Chris pouts.

"Do you know what you have to do?" Eddie prompts.

"Say sorry to Buck," Chris answers, his head still hang low.

"True. You know Buck loves you, right? _We_ love you." Eddie put an emphasis on the "we". Eddie now wishes he could embrace his son to give him the assurance he needs.

Christopher nods. Eyes now bright with tears.

"Oh, Chris. It's okay. You are allowed to have a bad day." The alarm suddenly blares, forcing Eddie to cut his session with Chris short. "We'll see you tonight, okay. I love you so much, son." Eddie consoles his son for the last time.

"Okay. I love you too, Daddy." Chris gives his Dad a small smile, face still laced in sadness.

  
///

  
Eddie jumps out of the fire truck with renewed determination. This is supposed to be the last call before their shift is over and Buck's moods drastically improve when Eddie told him about his last chat with Christopher. He can see Buck is so eager to go back home, as much as he does too. At least his husband is smiling now, although he still can see the uncertainty dancing in the ocean-blues, masked by an exuberant veil. Buck's insecurity and abandonment issue is an ongoing project for Eddie, just like Buck too, always a constant presence reminding Eddie that he is enough and deserves all the loves Buck is willing to give him. 

And Eddie loves Buck for that. 

This should be a simple call. A small pile-up following a four vehicles collision. No major injury, just a few victims stuck in the car with jammed doors.

Eddie is assessing a child for any injury after removing her from the kid's car seat while Buck and Bobby try to de-escalate the fight between the drivers. Bobby already radioed for police backup A.S.A.P. and Eddie can hear the siren blaring from afar. The cruiser most likely is Athena's. Eddie swears Athena put a personal GPS tracker on Bobby with the number she showed up at their scenes.

Eddie can hear the shouting and disagreements and move his body to block the child's view from needing to witness the uncouth squabble. Hen and Chimney are busy loading the concussed victim into the ambulance. They are still waiting for another unit to arrive to bring the other two victims with broken hand and leg respectively to the hospital.

But then the sound of a gunshot ricocheting throughout the chaos.

Eddie's heart immediately plummets to the ground when he turns back to the scene unfolding behind him.

No.


	2. A Slice of Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not how Eddie plans their evening will be. Both of them should be coming home to Christopher and cuddle together under Buck's favourite heavy and warm blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance. This is getting out of hand.

The turnout jacket might be made to be able to withstand fire and heat, but it is never designed to stop a bullet.

Buck had been at the end of the barrel before, and he had squared himself up and anticipated the sensation as what would it feel to be shot. But he was lucky then.

Now, standing before a barrel that just got off, after the initial shock, Buck could tell the moment his skin was penetrated by the bullet, ripping through the layer of meat and muscle with searing pain like he never felt before. The hot pain is so sudden that his nerves suddenly frayed and he just stood there frozen when the metal finally embedded itself into somewhere in his abdomen. Does it passed through? Buck is not sure. Buck feels like he is branded by hot metal from the inside out. The impact immediately makes him staggered back, unsteady on his feet.

Despite the hotness inside his body, coldness gradually enveloping his skin, numbing him, like he was plunge under the water all over again. Yet at the same time, Buck could feel warmth pouring out from the inside of him, such a very confusing sensation.

Bobby immediately jumps to tackle the driver with the gun, calling for assistance from the police officers coming from a cruiser that just arrived. Is that Athena? Buck wishes Athena is here.

Buck sweeps through the dampness on his turn out jacket, feeling the slick liquid, bright red against his gloved hands. That's not good.

But the shock, the pain, the exhaustion is catching up to him fast, making Buck to falter in his step. Buck sees Eddie running towards him with so much urgency he thought it is quite comical, but before Buck knows anything, his legs suddenly buckled beneath him.

Motions flared around him together with sudden burst of sounds and voices, but Buck couldn't see nor hear anything anymore. He feels, but not quite feeling, like he is drifting apart and away. 

So Buck closes his eyes and floats.

///

Satisfied that the toddler is unscathed, Eddie decides to stay with her until police backup arrive, as her father seemingly busy arguing with the other drivers.

But when the sound of gunshot went off, Eddie immediately is pulled into a moment of trance, his brain is trying to catch up with the gravity of the situation.

Among the chaos, Buck's eyes, full of pain and agony catched his, before his husband crumples onto the ground unmoving, seconds before Eddie is able to run to his side.

No.

No.

No.

This is not how Eddie plans their evening will be. Both of them should be coming home to Christopher and cuddle together under Buck's favourite heavy and warm blanket. Not to be trapped in this nightmare. 

His treacherous heart is ramming in his ribcage, screaming for his soulmate who is now lying lifelessly on the hard concrete.

"BUCK!" Eddie screams. Immediately he turns Buck onto his back, frantically searching for a pulse.

"Buck, hey, hey." Eddie tries to rouse his husband while pressing hard against the bleeding wound. With sole focus on Buck, Eddie tunes out the commotion in front on him, occasionally yells for help and support from nearby officers.

"Evan, please." Eddie implores, tapping on Buck's slacken cheek.

The sunset glow falls upon them, illuminating the golden strands of Buck's curls and fluttering eyelashes. Fluttering. Awake. Alive.

Eddie lets out huge breath he didn't realize he's been holding. "There you are." Eddie pulls Buck out of his jacket before taking a wad of gauze from his medical bag brought over by Bobby who is now yelling into the radio for the incoming ambulance to step on the gas.

"Hnng." Buck whines in pain with his eyes flickering in and out focus. 

"Buck, hey. Evan. You've been shot, okay. I need you to breath and stay awake. Evan?" Eddie is seconds away from losing it with his feelings are all over the place, but Buck needs help and so Eddie grounds himself and put his medical training to use.

After a moment, Buck locks eyes with Eddie in recognition and Eddie can feel Buck relax a little into his touch.

"Ed..die." Buck croaks thickly, his breaths stutter in his chest. Buck tries to take another breath, but the air seems to be thinning around him.

"I'm here. I'm here, Evan." Eddie puts his weight onto the leaking wound, trying to stem the pool of blood which is growing steadily underneath Buck.

"The ambulance is five minutes away. Stay with us, Buck." Bobby kneels beside them, a hand reaching out to squeeze his son's clammy one.

Slowly, Buck moves his other hand to caress the end of Eddie's jaw in a soothing manner. Just like he always did when Eddie was having a bad day. But today is not just a bad day. It is the worst, and the gesture only amplifies the thumperring in Eddie's chest.

"Don't let Chris'pher forget me." Buck slurred, looking up at Eddie with pleading, cloudy eyes.

Eddie shakes his head in disbelief. "Chris will never forget you because you'll be here with him, with us." Eddie retorts, almost yelling. You are staying, I'll make sure of that, his inner monologue screams.

"Promise me, tell 'im... love him, m'sorry... not coming home t'night." Buck's chest ache, not from the wound, but mourning for the lost times and the times he'll miss with their son.

"Evan, what are you saying? You're coming home with us. You're not going anywhere." Eddie says in frustration. Looking down at the man beneath him, Eddie sees Buck's face is getting paler with every fleeting moment.

"But m'so tired, Eddie." Buck stutters brokenly, feeling the fight leaving his battered body.

"I know, but you're doing so well. Just keep your eyes on me." Eddie pleads relentlessly.

Buck does not reply, just looking at Eddie with lidded eyes. This only caused Eddie to push harder against the wound, trying to stop the blood flow and at the same time to keep Buck awake. Buck whines weakly at the sudden pressure, trying to squirm away from the pain.

"I know, I know." Eddie hush, trying to push the guilt away for causing Buck more pain. He'll plunge his finger into the wound if he needs to.

"Hold me." Buck suddenly asks under laboured breath. Buck wants Eddie to be closer. To melt into his husband's evening musk.

"You know I can't Evan, you know I need to put pressure on the wound." Eddie insists, noticing the conflicted expression dancing on Bobby's face in front of him. Where is the damn ambulance?!

"Hold me, please." His sluggish mind has starts to swirl now and Buck needs Eddie to tether him to this reality.

"Evan..."

"Please, Eddie." Buck plead with much struggles.

Eddie finally gives in. "I'll hold you. Just stay awake, Evan. Stay with me." Eddie carefully pulls Buck into his arm, resting Buck's body onto his lap with his head settles between the crook of his right arm. The weight of the situation heavy on his shoulder, heavier than Buck's dead weight on his lap.

Bobby immediately takes over putting pressure on the wound, silently cursing when his gloved hands feels warm with the red blood and the fresh gauze soaked through in a matter of seconds. Thank God for small mercy, Buck is not on blood thinners anymore, or else. Bobby shakes away the thought, fear clenching his heart.

"M'trying." But it's hard, Buck leaves the words unsaid. He can feels his eyes are getting heavier. Keeping them open much longer is an arduous task, taking a toll in his strength.

"Love you. An' Chris." Buck finally confess before coughing hard and rough. His mouth feels like he swallowed hundreds of nails, gritty and coppery.

"I love you too, Evan. Always and forever." Eddie responds back, pushing back some stray curls that sticks against Buck's sweaty forehead.

Forever. Buck likes that, but deep down he knows forever might not be quite reachable now.

Buck takes in the comforting smell that is Eddie. Being in the embrace of his lover, Buck can feel his hold on to the reality is slipping away. And so Buck closes his eyes.

"Evan. Hey!" Eddie yells, trying to keep Buck awake.

"Open your eyes, Evan." Eddie shakes his husband harder, but the injured man gives no response.

"Evan, please. Stay. Please." Eddie prays against the top of Buck's head, crying over the unconscious man to just wake up. To be here. To stay.

Buck's eyes remain shut.

///

_Buck?_

_Yeah?_

_Will you be staying over tonight?_

_Do you want me to stay, Eddie?_

_Please, stay with us._

_Then I'll stay for as long as you want me to._

///

"Is this my fault, Daddy? Did Buck get hurt because I wished for Mommy to be here instead? Is he going away like Mommy did?" Chris looks up to him in despair with his little hand clenching hard against Eddie's shirt. Fear clear in his son's eyes.

"Oh, no baby. No. Bad guys got to Buck. But he's not going anywhere." Eddie's voice shakes with worry, sadness, rage and now defeat, but he tries his best to carve a smile on his face, not really reaching his eyes.

However, Chris doesn't fall for his facade, and so Eddie pulls his son closer to his chest, kissing the top crown of Chris's curls. Don't make me a liar, Evan.

Everytime Eddie closes his eyes, Eddie can feel the last gasp of air Buck lets out on his cheek before he heard the blaring sound of the machine flat lining. Seeing Buck's body jolts with every current passed through him will only fuel his nightmares for nights to come.

They managed to get him back before the doctors and nurses wheeled Buck to the operation theatre, but they did lost him first and he fears for the outcome. They all do.

///

_Hey, Eddie. Which parenting book do you think is the best for Chris? They got tons of them. Oh, this collection of real life winnings is interesting._

_Do you really need a book?_

_I really want to do right by Chris. I always vow that when I have my own child, I'll do better than what my parents did to us._

_You're amazing, you know that?_

_Nah, he is amazing, brought up by this amazing man._

_Move in with us._

_Eddie..._

_I'm serious. Move in, Buck._

_Okay._

///

Don't go. Please. Don't go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scream at me in the comments section, but please leave a kudos on the way. 
> 
> Scream some more at my Tumblr: Cirrius-Akiyo


	3. A Slice of Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Am I dead?" 
> 
> "I'm sorry, but I can't give you the answer." 
> 
> Or when Buck knocks on the heaven's door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of heaven is inspired from the Supernatural. 
> 
> Castiel is forever my favourite angel. Sighhh. 👼
> 
> Aww, shut up, Aziraphale, you're my favourite too. 😘

_What's your favourite flower, Buck?_

_Are you buying me a bouquet?_

_Just... indulge me, please._

_Anything yellow. Like sunshine._

_You're not yellow, but you are my sunshine._

///

Buck doesn't know how long has it been since he was tethered to the reality, how long he's been floating under the weightless world. Slowly, Buck tries to find his ground, but everything feels airy. The world feels like it is filled with cotton wools. Buck thinks maybe it's time to open his eyes.

But when Buck opens his eyes, a massive moon, bigger than a supermoon is above him, almost completely covering the sky before his eyes. Yet, as he looks around, Buck can tell it is morning, and he is laying on his back among tall grass with yellow wild mustards scattered around large field.

Weird.

Buck tries to stand up, but eventhough his feet are touching the ground, he feels like he is just floating there, about to be blown away eventhough Buck is still clad heavily in his full turnout gear, minus the helmet.

Buck can't remember how he got there, but he remembers voices and touches. He knows he is forgetting something important, something crucial but Buck couldn't put his finger to it. Everything is so confusing.

Maddie always know what to do. She is his reliable little big sister.

Then some of the memories click at the back of his head.

Eddie.

He was with Eddie, but he can't see his husband anywhere.

Buck remembers pain and agony, like he was being ripped from the inside out.

He remembers the blood streaked on Eddie's sculpted jaws. Was it his?

Buck take in the sight of his jacket. They're still pristine from any smear and smudge. There was a bullet, didn't it? 

Then his thoughts narrows down to the last of his memories.

They have been full of Christopher.

Suddenly the feeling of love, blessings, happiness, anguish, lost, longing, adoration, hope, fear and everything in between slammed directly into his whole body and Buck feels like he was punched directly in the gut.

Buck starts to feel more restless and confused, but he needs to move.

So he takes one step after another, walking forward aimlessly.

Buck feels like he already walks for days, but he never get tired. The scenery changes with every few steps he took, from blossoming flower fields to green valley to lush rows of tall pines.

Eventually Buck stops in his track when a house materialize before him. A house he is very familiar with. The house that has been in his sweet dreams and dreadful nightmares.

It couldn't be.

Buck freezes when he saw a young man busy playing catch with his golden retriever, Rover, if Buck remember correctly, joyous smiles adorned his youthful face.

Impossible.

Suddenly the young man's eyes catches his and time stood still.

"Alex?" Buck gasps. The scar of 13 years seems like splitting open again.

"Evan?" The young man's cheery expression morphs into something akin to confusion, riddles with puzzlement.

"How are you here?" Buck asks, almost shrieking. Since he woke up among the yellow flowers, Buck has nothing but questions upon questions. And now Alex is here, when it should be impossible. Alex who looks exactly how Buck last saw him, 13 years back. Unless...

"This is my heaven."

The words leave Buck gaping like a fish. Buck tries to find his voice as Alex steps forward, inching closer to the dazed man.

"Evan, hey. It's okay. You have to take it slow." Alex speaks in calming voice. The voice Buck achingly craved years back. The voice that could sooth an anxious, young, sixteen year old Evan Buckley.

"Am I dead?" Buck asks quietly, his voice barely a whisper.

"I'm sorry, but I can't give you the answer." Alex confess, still musing to have an adult Evan standing in front of him. Evan has changed a lot, physically. Taller, broader. But the despair on his face still strikes familiarity.

When Buck doesn't show any indication to move any sooner, Alex then grabs Buck's hand and guide him towards the house. Buck just follows silently, still trying to find his footing.

As they reach the front porch, Alex makes Buck to take a seat on the wooden swing with Rover curling around his feet. Buck chokes when the memories of his childhood flow throughout his mind, as the world bustle with life as he remembers it. The mailman, the ice cream truck, even the Chipping Sparrows nesting in their man-made bird house.

"How?" Buck can't find his way around the words. He doesn't even know where to start.

Sensing the confusion, Alex speaks up with honey-like smoothness in his voice.

"You see, when people die, they will get either personal heaven or hell. One's heaven will be filled with things and stuff dearest most to them or their biggest dreams and desires. Lucky me, God thinks I'm good enough to have my own heaven, queer or not." Alex chuckles light-heartedly. He looks completely at peace, unlike the turbulence that had lingered on his face after he came out to his parents. So different than when he confessed to Mr. and Mrs. Winkleman that he was in love with Evan, his own childhood best friend.

"I'm dead, am I?" Buck's voice breaks in sorrow, mourning for the lost times. Regrets that has been rooting for some time now starting to bloom in his stomach.

"Often, soulmates share a heaven together. Heaven works in a mysterious way and so sometimes it is packed with family and friends. But..." Alex sighs. Evan should have moved on since the day he left this world. Evan should has lived his life, has a chance to has his own people. "But I don't think you belong with me, Evan. Maybe once, but not anymore." Alex keeps his gaze on Buck's eyes.

_Maybe Buck has lost his people. Maybe God thinks Buck doesn't deserve them. Maybe he is destined to be alone for eternity, even in the afterlife._

"I know you long enough to hear you moping, Evan Buckley." Alex speaks out, a teasing grin on his face, trying to chase away the cloudy mood hovering over his best friend.

"Sorry...it just...I wish..," Buck stutters brokenly. Buck wishes for so many things. So many unattainable things. To say goodbye at least.

"I'm positive that I am not what you wish for, not now." Alex turns in his seat, positioning himself to face directly to Buck that is perched on his side.

"So what do you wish for, Evan?"

///

_Have you ever wished upon the star?_

_Not really. Never come across one in my life before._

_I have. In Afghanistan._

_Did your wish come true then?_

_They do now._

///

What does Buck wishes for?

Right now, he wants to see his husband again, to feel safe in his warm embrace, to hug his son at least for one last time, to kiss Maddie on her cheek, give gentle pat on her growing stomach, a group hug with the rest of 118, for Chimney to tease him and Hen to nudge Buck in his ribs, one last meal with Bobby, cooking with Abuela, some assuring back pat from Athena, fist bumps with May, Henry and Denny, tying Nia's hair with the new scrunchie he bought last week but never have the chance to meet her personally. Last pool game with Albert and Josh. And some life changing advice from Michael and Karen.

And to make things right with Christopher.

So many small things.

So many unsaid words.

Buck breaks down in tears.

If he is dead, why doesn't he feel at peace? Why regrets upon regrets keep piling and weighing him down?

"You know, Evan. When I died in that accident, in my dying moments, I thought of you. How sorry I am for leaving you alone in that cruel, cold, unaccepting world." Alex pulls Buck into an embrace, but the height difference caused Buck needing to angle himself down, yet he feels so small in Alex's arms. Like he was sixteen all over again.

"But Evan, you have so much to live for. And I found my peace."

///

_Did you ever regret it, Eddie?_

_What?_

_Having me in your life?_

_You are my sure thing, Evan "Buck" Buckley. My regret is that I didn't tell you sooner._

///

"You can actually knock on heaven's door." Alex blurts out after some times, looking somberly at Buck who seems to break down more and more with every passing moments.

"I've knocked once, on a door beside my own. And guess who answer the door?" Alex says, excitement clear in his twinkling eyes.

This somehow able to pique Buck's interest.

"A freaking angel. Can you believe it. My heavenly neighbor is an angel. He got the bluest eyes too, never fail to remind me of you, Evan." Alex locks his gaze on the blues he used to drown himself under. But the blues now dulled with sorrow, void of any spirit.

"That angel, oh boy, he wears the most hideous trenchcoat I've ever seen. Like a tax accountant." Alex giggles, reminiscing the time he laugh so hard at the angel, but was left feeling bad afterwards when the angel looked so confuse at his amusement. And after he saw how fond the angel was with his tan trenchcoat.

This prompts Buck to slit a small smile, somehow glad to see a carefree Alex again.

"That angel, Castiel was building a heaven for his human lover, preparing the perfect eternity for when his lover arrives. How sweet is that." Alex turns his view back towards the horizon, where the end of his heaven lies.

"Maybe you need to knock on someone's heaven to help you find peace." Like he did when he met Castiel. He still go there sometimes, when Castiel returns to heaven from time to time, but no sign of his lover yet.  
  
///

While it is tempting to meet an actual angel, deep down Buck knows who he wants to meet the most.

So he continues to walk along the endless corridor as directed by Alex, stopping right in front of one door with a name on the mailbox he is familiar with.

And Buck knocks on the heaven's door.

After three knocks, the door opens to show that one person Buck thinks will lift him from his misery.

"Shannon."

"Buck?"

///

_She'll love you, like we all do._

_You can't speak for the dead, Eddie._

_I don't have to, I know._

///

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things reeeaalllly get out of control, aren't they? 
> 
> Yell at me if that bring you peace. But don't forget the kudos, please. 
> 
> Unleash your anger at my Tumblr: Cirrius-Akiyo


	4. A Slice of Yearning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you save your son from going through the heartbreak when yours was already broken?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been soooo long, but I'm back now with a new chapter. I'm so sorry for the delay, but 2020 is not kind to me. 
> 
> I hope you guys are doing better than me.
> 
> ///
> 
> This Chapter supposedly to be a continuation of what happened at Shannon's door, but I really want to write how Eddie reacts and handle things first in about two paragraphs....but I got carried away. So here is a whole chapter on Eddie, cause I'm soft for that man like that.

_What do you think if I marry your Buck?_

_Will Buck still be my best friend?_

_You know he will always be one._

_Will Buck be my other dad?_

_Only if you want him to._

_I'd like that._

_Then I'd like that, too._

///

When the doctors and nurses wheeled Buck away into the operation theatre, Eddie was left frozen with his gaze fixed hard onto the heavy door, as if he would be able to see his husband beyond the walls. He didn't want to move. He's unable to move, not when his ears were still ringing with the shrill of the heart monitor going off. It was Bobby who finally dragged Eddie away from the closed door and pushed him towards the nearby washroom so that he could washed away the blood.

Oh God. There was so much of them. The amount of blood soaked into his uniform and hands made him nauseous. He felt like he was holding Buck's life force in the palm of his hands. He then remembered how the tar was darkened with Buck's spilled blood like a tiny river, making his stomach cramp even more and before Eddie knew it, he was retching into the toilet bowl, emptying his stomach content.

Eddie could hear Bobby knocking on the washroom door, asking if he was okay or not. How could he be okay, when his husband is fighting for his life on the hard, cold operating table all alone? Eddie wanted to yell and scream back at Bobby to stop bothering, but the Captain doesn't deserve that. Eddie knew Bobby just wanted to help. But so did Buck. Buck just wanted to help, always do. Buck doesn't deserve to be shot at. Buck, who is good and trusting, just wanted to help.

Eddie swallowed his sobs and answered back to Bobby with something akin to "okay" and "fine" in a choked voice. He did not really paid attention to Bobby's replies with how much his ears were ringing, but he understood that a change of clothes was outside the door. Not that it matter, but at least he would not be chased away from the waiting room if he is in a cleaner change of clothing.

He focused back to rinse away the blood, but no matter how hard Eddie tried to rinse them away, he could still see the reddish hue littered on his skin and under his fingernails. Fresh tears kept spilling from the edge of his eyes with every scrub, and Eddie couldn't help but to let out broken sobs, his body trembled with every cry. The worry, sadness, anguish and anger, all long melted and fused hotly into his vein, with the feeling of despair starting to surface.

Because another thing that kept niggling at the back of his mind was; how are you suppose to tell your son that his Buck, his best friend, his _Pops_ , is not coming home tonight, or ever, God forbid. How? How do you save your son from going through the heartbreak when yours was already broken?

What would Christopher think? How will he accept the news?

This was not how Eddie imagined the night will go and guilt started to gnaw his heart for taking the time for the heart to heart session between Buck and Christopher, thinking things will blow up soon. _Tomorrow is not promised to anyone_. If only he listened to his own damn advice and be more proactive once his husband voiced out his concern. Now Buck could die thinking Christopher hated him, and Chris might has to live with the thought he never had a chance to apologize. And Eddie would be trapped in between the worst situation ever, a hell on earth.

///

After splashing another round of cold water onto his face, Eddie finally collect himself before stepping out from the confining washroom, ready to expose himself to his awaiting family and friends.

Once he stepped into the area, one thing that struck his mind is that, the waiting room is always dull. No matter how many times they had ended up here, there is never enough vibrancy in the waiting room. The emotions and feelings of the grieving had etched themselves into the walls, stripping the colour to a dreary echo.

And the echo seems to reverberate in the core of his hollowed body, leaving him a shell of what he was three hours before.

"I need to call Christopher." Eddie announces, as if to slice through the echo. But in all honesty, he wishes someone would tell him that it is not a good idea, because he is dreading the idea. Calling in Chris, breaking to him this nightmare will make the reality to finally sink into his conscience, and Eddie really can't handle the reality now.

Suddenly Eddie is pulled into a hug, warm hands patting his back in a consoling manner, and he realizes that it is Chim. Eddie's eyes water, and Hen materialize before his blurry view, offering her own comfort.

"It's okay, Bobby had gone to pick up Chris and Abuela." Her words soothes Eddie a bit, because he really need to have his son here with him, but dread to leave the hospital compound if things turn for the worse. While Eddie was dreading to break this news to Chris, he really dislike the idea of having this conversation over the phone with his son. Eddie wants to be able to comfort Chris as he did, and not to left him frightened on the other side of the line.

///

The familiar clicking of the crutches pulls Eddie back to the present, making him to immediately jumps out of his seat and greet Chris who is walking in such a hurry, before pulling his son into a bone crushing embrace.

"Dad...daddy, I...I want my Buck." Chris says between broken sobs. 

"Oh buddy, it will be okay." Eddie tries to refrain himself from saying the word 'promise', because it will be unfair to both of them. But deep in him, he believes that everything would be okay, and to have faith in Buck. He might be coursing through the grieving stages, but if blind belief is what needed to fuel him, so let it be.

"I'm sorry. I want... want to say sorry...sorry to Buck." Chris cries harder that only make Eddie's heart to clench. This is what he was dreading few hours ago; for Chris to experience this guilt at a very young age.

"Buck was never mad at you, Chris. Concerned, yes. But that's because he loves you so, so much." Eddie tries to console his trembling son, but he doesn't think Chris really bought it with how shaky his voice sounds.

Chris doesn't reply, muffled cry could be heard in the crooks of Eddie's neck.

///

After another six long hours, Buck is finally moved to the ICU. Karen had brought Chris and Abuela back home to rest eventhough Eddie yearns for their support. But waiting there, sitting cramply on the stiff chair does no good for both of them, and so Eddie reluctantly agreed, saying goodbye to equally reluctant Chris and Abuela. 

The grim on the doctor's face told them everything. Buck is alive, but not quite.

The silence outside Buck's hospital room is deafening and heavy around them as they listen to the prognosis.

The doctors had thrown around words such as "haemorrhage", "shock", "multiple organ damage" which all should be familiar to Eddie. He is trained for this for God's sake. He had himself treat and manage numerous gunshot wounds during his tours, but nothing ever prepared him for this. Not with Buck, no.

They have been told that the first 24 hours are critical. The bullet had managed to nick an artery and Buck had bleed profusely, his body had started shutting down. Was this his fault? Did he moved to slow? Could he do better?

He is so deep in his guilt-ridden thoughts that he literally jolts when somebody put their hand on his shoulder. Eddie blinks and turns around, only to see Athena standing beside him.

"Don't go there." She says.

Eddie opens his mouth to argue or to pretend he didn't catch that, but the words are cut off with; "I know that look. I've seen them hundreds time for my liking. I'm going to tell you now, that this is that asshat's fault, who brings a gun into a fight, when there shouldn't be any fight at all at the first place. So don't go down the rabbit hole trying to see if you could change anything to make this better." Athena says, firming her hold on his shoulder.

"I'm so scared, Athena." Eddie confess, fresh tears brimming at the edge of his eyes.

///

_What's your deepest fear?_

_I'm afraid of being lonely, to not have anybody._

_Well, as long as I'm here, you won't be._

_How about you, Eddie?_

_To lose what I have now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you guys think. And what should happen in heaven? Hmmm I have few ideas, but let's see how it goes. :)
> 
> Your feedbacks are always appreciated. 
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day :)
> 
> Come and rant with me at my Tumblr: Cirrius-Akiyo


	5. A Slice of Guidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck finally at Shannon's heaven. 
> 
> Will he finds his answer there? Or will he continues to be a lost cause?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back fellas! 
> 
> Thanks to Buck Begins, I finally find the inspiration and booster for me to complete this Chapter. 
> 
> I am so happy with how it turns out, albeit a bit nervous of updating. 
> 
> So I hope you enjoy the ride and thank you for waiting this long for an update from a slow writer like me. Appreciate you guys so much!

  
_Are you settling in good?_

_I am trying, I promise, Eddie._

_Evan, you know you can confide me with anything. Anything at all. Come on, darling. Talk to me._

_Okay... I'm afraid I might screw this up. Screw us up. Rooting myself somewhere is still scary for me. I used to want to be able to leave when I'm no longer needed or wanted. But having you and Chris now, I..._

_Evan, you will always have your root here with us. You don't have to be afraid. We're here for the long haul._

_Don't make me leave, please._

_Silly. You are our home, and we will be forever yours._

_If I'm your home, you're my heaven._

_Cheesy, but I love it. Mine, forever._

_Forever._

Buck had heard the word before.

What is his forever again?

///

_Evan, I need you here. Come back, please._

"Buck, Buck... Buck!"

That startles Buck away from the fleeting voice he feels he knew. The warm honey-like voice that usually ground him, but now it sounds so far away, out of his reach. Buck blinks owlishly at the woman standing in front of him. As the stream of time passed, so is Buck's awareness as he feels his own essence of being slipping away. Fading away into nothingness, like he is about to cease from existing.

But Buck is here, where will he go?

"Huh?" The word came out of him almost comically as he tries to divert his attention back to Shannon. Bit by bit, his brain recalls the situation he was in.

Eddie's dead wife and Christopher's mother, Shannon is standing before him.

Buck himself had witnessed her accident, had tried to be of any assistance at the scene, had witnessed firsthand with Eddie's grief and mourning after she passed, even had comforted a sulky Christopher when he missed his mother from time to time.

_I want my mommy!_

Buck flinches at the echoing memory as he takes in the sight in front of him.

Shannon, who is now looking very much alive and real in her dusty pink sundress peppered with little white flowers, is looking back at him with wide eyes, but soon she smiles a small smile at him with a look mixed of pity and curiosity as Buck tries to look at everywhere and everything, trying to take the situation in.

"I said, what are you doing here, Buck?" She repeated again as she puts a hand on Buck's shoulder so that the man's focus return back on her. Shannon knew Buck by name and by face, but their interactions were limited, both by time and opportunity. She knew he's a great guy, if based by Chris' endless stories to go by.

At her question, Buck could feel the gear in his head turning, albeit slightly and slowly.

Oh, right, apparently he is in front of her heaven's door now. But, he couldn't really point out the correct answer to her question, because honestly he doesn't even know himself with doubt starting to lurk around his mind.

"I... I'm not sure?" When Buck left Alex's heaven, he knew for sure he will get his answers here, but now, seeing Shannon standing before him in the flesh, Buck couldn't place his finger on the myriad of emotions that are swallowing him whole. There's a thudding ache at the deepest pit of his stomach, but Buck is unsure of the source; was it from a physical pain or an emotional one.

But why would there be a physical pain?

_I need you to breathe and stay awake!_

Buck exhales harshly, surprised for a fact that he could actually breath when everything doesn't make sense to him anymore, leaving every corner of his mind to be bombarded with the explosives of questions and uncertainties.

Seeing the lost look on the man's face, Shannon grabs the blonde's hand and pull him into her heaven with a tug, pulling Buck away from the spiraling thoughts.

"Can't say I'm happy to see you when I never expected you to be here at the first place, but come on in." She says as she drags Buck past her door. Locking the latch, Shannon turns around to face Buck who has his eyes darting from one end of the heaven to the other in what seems to be in utter fascination.

When Buck turns his body around to look further, Shannon's eyes eventually falls onto the name brightly printed on the back of the turn-out jacket; "Buckley-Diaz". Looking at the name that was once hers for almost 10 years, hyphenated and carried by another person, and a man at that, should stir some jealousy in her soul, but instead Shannon find herself grinning in knowing.

"I knew it! I know I should be rooting for this more!" Shannon can't help herself but to squeal in delight and amusement at the bright yellow words.

"Wha'?" Buck stares with his patented confused look at Shannon who is cheering and smiling widely at him, seeing some resemblance of Chris in her. 

"Well, I've seen the signs." Shannon cuts him off as she starts to walk through a sandy pathway that leads towards the pearly beach and emerald sea, glancing back to make sure that Buck is trailing behind her.

"What signs?" Buck asks as he watch the sunset, mesmerized by the golden and reddish hue at the end of the horizon. The sun seems to look bigger here, but the warmth is all encompassing, not scalding nor burning, and Buck is reminded of the first day of Spring.

_And the feeling of being enveloped in warm hugs between two strong arms and another two little ones._

"That Eddie loves you, even when he tried to make our marriage works." Shannon replies easily.

Buck fumbles at the words, even more surprised that Shannon is not biting his head off. "I don't understand."

Shannon stops walking and promptly turn her body to face Buck, total disbelief painted on her face, which honestly just confused Buck even more. And Buck could swear he saw the woman rolls her eyes minutely.

"For starters, your name has always been thrown around into Eddie's and Chris' conversation. Made me wonder if Eddie ever talked about me with that kind of fondness around his friends, but I know that was my wishful thinking." Shannon scoffs, but not with malice, but with what it seems to be of amusement.

That left Buck standing with his mouth gaping mimicking something he is sure how the fish in the ocean next to them look like.  
  
"He even made me sneaked around the house in the beginning of our 'attempted' for reconciliation." Shannon wiggles her fingers at the air quotes, shaking her head at the memory of the morning after, how she was mad at Eddie for making her felt like she was a hidden mistress.

_His mom is not in the picture._

"I... I'm sorry." Buck couldn't help but to feel his insecurities and guilts of replacing Shannon in the Diaz household amplifying tenfold.

But before he could grovel more, Shannon holds up her right hand to stop him in his track.

"Don't be. We're just not meant to be. I even asked him for a divorce before my death." Shannon confessed mournfully. She knew deep down that they won't work out the day she found out Eddie re-enlisted, but she was willing to try for Christopher's sake. But now she just wished she could end things differently, and not hurting Eddie as much as she did before.

"Oh, umm...," Buck shifts on his feet beside her, squirming uncomfortably at her words.

Pitying the blonde, Shannon gracefully changes the subject. "Our last outing as a family was at the beach. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was bright, but Chris' smiles were brighter. I'm glad I have those memories to remember." She says as she shifts her gaze towards the clear horizon.

Buck smiles seeing the fond look on Shannon's face. "I love the oceans, spending my youth drifting from one beach after another. The reason why I finally settles in LA to be honest."

Shannon chuckles. "Yeah, Chris too. He could spend the whole day playing on the beach, building sandcastles, not minding the sun nor the sand at all."

_Where did all the water go?_

_Suddenly the water seems to be crashing towards them faster than his legs could run._

_And he could not breath, his lungs seized._

_And Christopher is nowhere to be found._

_Buck! Buck!_

_Just keep swimming._

"Buck, are you okay?" Shannon asks when she sees Buck suddenly stiffen, all colours draining from his face.

Buck opens his eyes and swallows thickly as the memory of the tsunami hits him. He doesn't even realize when did he had closed them at the first place.

Even without shutting his eyes closed, Buck could still vividly remembers the harshness of the ocean and the coldness of the water, the glimpses of floating bodies passing beside them still playing before his eyes, looping like a broken record.

Buck looks towards the vast span of the ocean, the glimmer of the sunset dancing beautifully on its surface, a far cry as compared to the sunset on the day the tsunami hits entailed, which only had highlighted the pain, the coldness and the loss.

_Somehow, we manage to suck it up. Why can't you?_

"We..uh, got caught in a tsunami." Buck croaks, shame crawls throughout his skin. Another reminder of his neverending failure. His love for the ocean being the main reason he had brought Chris to the pier on that day, and that had hurt the boy, had hurt Eddie, and scarring Christopher for life.

"But I know you've saved him."

"What? How?" Buck shakes his head in disbelief, surprised by Shannon's reaction. He half expected to be slapped by Shannon or something for endangering her son.

"A mother just...knows. I would know if he's here." She shrugs. Her mother had greeted her at the pearly gates and guided her towards their heaven, and eventhough she might not be sharing her heaven with Christopher, Shannon believes she would know, just like her mother did.

"I feel like I've failed Chris and Eddie, time and time again." His voice unbelievably small, makes him wonder if Shannon actually catches anything he had said. Doesn't matter if she didn't. 

_You're exhausting._

Seems like she did heard him because now she's having a thoughtful look painted on her face.

"For the pain and misery I had put Eddie and Christopher through, I never thought I would deserve a heaven." Shannon chuckles without any mirth in her voice and Buck can see a flicker of guilt in her damp eyes.

_How could you? You're not around._

"So, if even a bad mother as I was got myself into heaven, you're much more deserving for one, Buck, if judging by my son's stories to go by." Sincerity heavy in her voice, yet Buck still find it hard to make himself believe in the words. The blanket of insecurities still cloaked tightly around his shoulders.

But Buck knows what bad parent is like, having grew up with two himself and Shannon is _not_ one of them.

_You never made it easy on us._

"You were a good mom, Shannon. Christopher turns out great because of you. Sometimes I wish I could ring you up to get some advice for myself." Buck is quick to assure her.

Shannon lets out a wet chuckle. She had left, yet here she is with her husband's husband telling her that she was a good mother.

"I'm so sorry your time was cut short. Chris is still missing you a lot."

"He does?" Shannon looks up to him, a pleased smile carves her lips.

"Yeah, he does. Everyday." Buck insists.

"How are they? How old is Chris again? I don't know how long it has been since I..." _died_. But the word dies on her tongue. "Time passes differently here." Shannon says instead.

"They're great! Eddie still can't cook though. And still got his black thumb." Buck's eyes shine with glee at the thought of his boys. "Chris is brilliant, acing in all his tests and is growing up so fast, he is now...," Buck suddenly halts, confused. Wait. Why can't he remembers Chris' grade? How old was his son again?

Sensing the confusion on the young firefighter's frowning face, Shannon grabs his right hand before squeezing it in a comforting manner, understanding how confusing all of these must have been. The moment she saw the man in front of her door, she knew something was amissed and there must be a reason Buck was guided here despite the fact that they hadn't interacted much back in the land of the living.

"What's happening?" He asks in a broken voice, eyebrows knitted together as he tries and fails to remember the smallest details of his, of their lives.

Shannon slowly tugs and pushes him so they're sitting on a wooden bench Buck doesn't even realize was there all along. So there he sits with his hands warm in hers, yet his inside is getting colder by the passing minutes, dreading the uncertainty.

"Sometimes the wandering soul lose their grip on reality and their fleeting memories." Her quiet voice is tinted with sadness, or something akin to pity.

The ocean breeze blows lightly between them, carrying the implied meaning of Shannon's explanation.

"But I don't want to forget." _I don't want to be lost, forgotten._

"You won't." Shannon grips his hand harder. She knows that's an empty promise but a white lie won't hurt anymore than a lost soul. "But there must be a reason for you to be here."

Buck thought about it for a moment. Since he woke up in the yellow field, nothing had made any sense to him. Not Alex. Not Shannon. Not even himself.

He is _lost_.

"I supposed...I want to meet you. I think you'll have the answer I'm looking for." Buck mumbles, finding the glittering sand underneath his boots interesting as he smacks his drying lips, suddenly feeling thirsty. Does the dead drinks?

"So what are you looking for, Buck?"

"I'm struggling to be a good dad for Chris." _I can't shake this feeling like I'm replacing you in the house, and doing a poor job at that_.

Shannon reaches out the blonde's cheeks and cupping them between her palms, forcing Buck to look at her in the eyes as she says, "you're a good man, Buck. Chris always speaks highly of you. If he thinks Eddie hung the moon, then you hung the sun. You'll be fine. Both of you will be fine."

"I feel like what I'm doing is not enough." Buck shifts his gaze, avoiding meeting the eyes of Christopher's mother because he is so afraid he'll find disappointment reflected in them.

He could feel Shannon drops her hand from his face, and he fully anticipates the loss of their physical contact, but instead, she pulls him into a comforting hug, and Buck melts. Her embrace reminds him of Athena and Hen, even Maddie. An embrace of a mother. The intimacy is different from how his husband always hold him and the way their bodies slots together, but feeling safe nevertheless. And Buck has not realize how he has craves for it since this madness started.

"Parenting is an uphill journey, Buck." Shannon breaks the silence before continuing, "Especially a good one. But when you've reached the top, the view is breathtaking. And even if you pause along the way, the path is still beautiful. That is what being a parent is. I only realised that at the end of my time, but it's not too late for you, Buck." She finishes.

The tears that have been welling up in his eyes finally fall free as Buck breaks into a sob, feeling completely overwhelmed.

"You need to go back." Shannon says as she pulls away, determination set in her gaze.

"How?" Isn't he dead? How could that be possible? Unless...

"What is your focal point, Buck? Find them. Fight for them." Shannon urges, putting her hand on his chest where the heart lies.

Buck knows his heart is yearning and aching for something that is so far away, feeling so lost as if they're out of his reach, and the overwhelming emotions amplifying more as he closes his eyes to rake his mind, diving headfirst into the crack of his soul.

_You could have my back any day._

Or is it someone?

Eddie.

_You're gonna be okay, kid._

Christopher.

_For whatever it worth, I'm proud of you, son._

Bobby.

_United front._

_I promise._

_We always had each other._

Maddie.

As he dives deeper, Buck feels like he is being bombarded with bits and pieces of swirling memories. Feeling like his essence is thrown from one moment to another, reliving the past 29 years of his life like a vinyl record.

_There's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you._

_Thank you...for not giving up._

_You never give up. That's what being Buck means to me. Whatever you do, don't stop._

Athena.

_I love Chris enough to never stop trying, and I know you do too._

_And we always will._

Hen, Chim.

_I love you._

"They are your peace, Buck. You'll find your peace in them, with them. They are your focal point." The sound of Shannon's voice moves further and further away.

_Find the thing that makes you happy. The people that make you feel loved._

Buck decides to open his eyes then, but the remnants of the evening sun suddenly shines so bright, it engulfed him whole, forcing him to shield his eyes with his arms, and a gust of wind hit him so hard, Buck feels like he's flying.

When he opens his eyes again, Shannon is nowhere to be found, and Buck finds himself standing in front of a familiar house he has called it home for the past four years.

Their home. 

"You're not supposed to be here." A deep voice coming from behind him, making Buck turns around to see the beholder.

Blue eyes. Beige trenchcoat. Oh man, Alex is right, that trenchcoat is ugly as fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you thinking what I'm thinking about Mr. Blue Eyes and Beige Trenchcoat?
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this Chapter. 
> 
> I want to write it as eventhough there are some upsetting words has been uttered to Buck, there are so many grounding and meaningful sentences that have been directed to him too. And by those words are what will guide and bring him home. Hence, a slice of guidance. 
> 
> And while we are at the topic of heaven, maybe Buck could meet Daniel on his way.
> 
> Tell me what you guys think. I'm so happy to read your comments. 
> 
> And please validate my feeling by throwing some kudos and comments too. That would make my day. 
> 
> Tumblr: cirrius-akiyo

**Author's Note:**

> Am I evil? Muahahahahahahah!
> 
> Throw me some kudos and kind comments to boost my confidence, please!
> 
> Tumblr: Cirrius-Akiyo


End file.
